Hello Beloved Family!
Please read to the end. Don’t skip or skim.
Genesis 2:23-24 AMPC:
23 Then Adam said, This [creature] is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of a man.
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Matthew 19:5-6 MSG:
4-6 He answered, “Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”
This concept shows up in both the Old and New Testaments. That’s how serious God is about it.
Even our traditional marriage vows, although not biblical, mirror the Scriptures that talk about marriage. “For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. Forsaking all others. Til death do us part.”
The scriptures and the vows basically mean, I promise to stick it out no matter what. (There is context as Beloved Pastor Steve recently preached about.)
For today’s purposes, I want to focus on the “forsaking all others” vow. You can see that it’s a similar statement to Matthew 19:6 MSG. We often look at these verses and vows with an eye on fidelity or infidelity, but I believe God showed me that our parents can also be parties that we must forsake, at minimum for a season, for the union to be strong. Genesis 2:24 AMPC alludes to this.
When our parents are too connected to us, as my mother was, it absolutely will hinder not only our marriages, but our relationships with God. There is a reason why God commands us to separate from our families of origin when we marry. It will create chaos and unrest in our marriages, our homes and our spirits.
When we get married, we have a new identity. It’s a new season. Women must abandon our primary roles as daughters and become wives. We must come under our husbands’ authority and covering. Likewise, men must abandon their primary role as sons and become husbands. They must assume authority over their households, take responsibility for and become the covering for their wives. This is God’s natural order of things.
At this point, the parents have done their job. They must let go and enter graciously into a new season of parenthood or lose the child they love so much. In my case, the graciousness did not happen.
As I have previously testified, I was raised in a highly feminist environment, with a focus on the birth family as the center, in-laws were actually called “out-laws,” and fathers were a secondary, almost non-existent influence in the family. My stepdad always told my mom that the family is clannish. He was right. They are very exclusive, controlling and not accepting of outsiders.
This belief system is in line with Western culture. Western culture dictates that the birth family holds highest importance. With the divorce rate so high, it’s no wonder. However, I believe one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is because we have abandoned God’s order in the family.
I recently saw a post on Instagram that said “Your spouse is the only person you have vowed to love, honor, cherish, and care for until death do you part. You made this commitment to God, to your spouse, and in front of at least one witness. You didn’t make that commitment to your siblings, parents or children. That should be a hint that this marriage thing is a big deal.”
Beloved Pastors have been talking about mama’s boys and daddy’s girls for a very long time, and a lot recently. Being a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl when you are also a wife or a husband is unhealthy. When you don’t cut the umbilical cord, you will continue to define yourself as an extension of your mother (or father), and that’s toxic to your marriage.
Because of this, Beloved Pastors have also been talking about the need to separate from those toxic relationships (also for a long time). I know some people are not on board with this teaching, but it is critical if you have an overly close relationship, if your parent is your best friend, shoulder to cry on, sounding board or the person you most lean on for advice or encouragement of any kind. Any time your parent holds these roles, you are hindering the growth of your marriage and frankly poisoning it. Your spouse should be these things for you. If they aren’t, you need to explore why and fix it.
This is a topic that is too familiar to me and was a very painful decision. I cut off my mom years ago because of this, and there’s a lot of underlying guilt that I have had to work through. I am her only child. There are toxic and unrealistic expectations placed on only children from broken homes. I know I’m not the only one. We feel responsible for our mom’s happiness, care and protection. It’s a lot of pressure. In my case, however, every time I have tried to reconnect, it turns into her trying to create the same bond as when I was a young girl, and then I have to distance again. I miss her. I love her. But the relationship she wants is not healthy for me or my marriage.
As an only child, and because she had me very young and didn’t really love my dad, I was my mother’s idol. The sun rose and set on me in her eyes. All her hopes and dreams and ambitions and all the possibilities that her heart longed for, rested on me from birth. Everything. It was a heavy burden for me to carry, but I did it for a long time, almost 30 years.
I was taught to go out and chase dreams, make goals, achieve them, get a proper education, have a lucrative career, marry well. I was also taught that family came first – meaning family of birth. And I was taught that I owed them, that I was expected to come back into the fold after I achieved all of the above and participate in family activities and be present for all the things they did and still do.
But when I did my duty and left town to chase my dreams, I met and I married a man that my mother did not approve of. On paper he wasn’t a good match. In fact, in her eyes, he was a burden on my life. But God doesn’t operate on paper. I endured many things as a wife that I had vowed I would never tolerate. But through it all, God was watching to see if I would stick with His choice. In the midst of that, my family was wooing me back, saying “Let him go. You and Joshua don’t need him. We’ll take care of you. You can make a new life here with your family that loves you.”
God moved me to pray a lot, and I had a personal experience with God in this season. Because of this, I chose to save my marriage, because God showed me that was what He wanted. My dad’s family supported and respected my decision. My mother’s family did not. I was shunned and treated with contempt when I came around, and I was gossiped about and harshly judged when I didn’t. I hear that this continues to this day, but I have learned that that’s God’s business, not mine.
That also tells me God’s timing is not right for me to come back into their mix, and I am good with that. Having peace with God’s timing is critical in these situations.
This has been an ongoing reality for decades, but it’s not a focus in my life. God told Beloved Elder Daniel and me at a recent Revival that there was a hook between us and then a hook from us to Jesus. When I heard this I pictured a fishing hook. They are designed to go into a fish’s mouth and not come out. To me that symbolizes our covenant with each other and God, and it shows that we are His choice for each other.
I am so grateful for my life and everything God has done and is still doing for me, my husband, our marriage and our family. I am so grateful that God decided to touch my heart that day and that He prepared me to be open to Him. My heart is full, and I am at peace. When God decides He wants a reconciliation, I’ll be ready. If He doesn’t, I’m okay. I pray for my mom and all my family all the time, and I know His will is all that matters, because my life is for Him, not anyone else.
I pray that this message touches the heart that needs to be touched. Amen.
Elder Ellen Mata
Comments:
Praise God and Amen!! 💗
(Those who have not read my post below, please read. Although God is speaking this to all of us, I believe God is trying to knock some sense into certain people in the church)
Pastor Yoojin Kim
1 Corinthians 13:11 TPT
“When I was a child, I spoke about childish matters, for I saw things like a child and reasoned like a child. But the day came when I matured, and I set aside my childish ways.”
A caterpillar must become a butterfly. A tadpole must become a frog. They must go through a metamorphosis.
An adult must decide to set aside their childish ways. A son must become a husband, and a daughter must become a wife at marriage. These roles as husband and wife take precedence over the role of a son and daughter.
These are hints in life that we ourselves must be transformed and renewed. But if we cannot even transform from a daughter/son to wife or husband role properly, then how have we transformed into new rebirth in Christ?
Pastor Steve Kim