Parents with teenagers & preteens, after you guys finish reading “Boundaries with kids” read “Boundaries with teens”
Most people see adolescence as encompassing the teen years, roughly from age twelve to twenty. In the main, this definition is a good starting place, but keep in mind that a young adult can look twenty-five on the outside but have the emotional maturity of a twelve-year-old.
Adolescence has also gone through an “extension” in recent years.
As culture has become more complex and college more expensive, and as marriage and job responsibilities have been deferred more, many individuals in their twenties are much like the teens of a few decades ago.
I prefer to define adolescence as the transitional phase of life that connects childhood to adulthood.
Adolescence differs from both childhood and adulthood. The teenage years are more about change and transitions than either of these two other stages.
Your teen is going through many incredible changes that envelop many areas of her life: neurological, hormonal, emotional, social, and spiritual.
*Adolescence is helpful for your child, and it is normal.
*your teen needs a process of time in which to let go of parental dependence and move into adult independence. This cannot be done instantly.
*He needs to be safe in your care while he challenges and tries out his identity, role, power, and skills.
…teens are under the control of an authority until they are ready to take ownership of their own life. You, the parent, are that earthly authority. One of the primary ways that you help your teen get ready for adulthood is by establishing good boundaries, consequences, and structure.
What Does a Healthy Adolescent Look Like?
*Make connections. They have an emotional attachment to their parents and friends. They are NOT detached or withdrawn; instead, they are bonded and connected to others.
*Are responsible. They perform the tasks they are supposed to: schoolwork, chores, family duties, and so on. They are generally reliable and dependable, and they don’t require as much supervision as preteens do.
*Accept reality. While they may be somewhat perfectionistic, idealistic, or self-absorbed, healthy adolescents can come down to earth and accept reality. They understand that they and others make mistakes and that no one is perfect.
*Mess up, but not severely. They have minor scrapes, but not major accidents. They may make a lot of mistakes, but they don’t have many crises.
*Are oriented to the outside. They are more and more invested in their friends and the outside world than they are in their family. They are connected to both, but the outside world is gaining their heart.
*Make friends with other good kids. Though you may not approve of 100 percent of what these friends do, they don’t drag your teen down into behavioral or moral problems.
*Develop good values. They are establishing a sound system of morals, ethics, and spiritual beliefs. You may not agree with all of the particulars, but the basics are good.
*Challenge their parents. They question your authority and your opinions and want to think for themselves. They are speaking up more and testing you. But these tests aren’t ripping apart your family.
Notice that a healthy adolescent can still make mistakes and have problems. Remember this, or you will go nuts. Get over any need you have for an ideal and perfect kid, and accept the reality of the teen years.
-Boundaries with teens-
Senior Pastor Yoojin Kim